I finally washed most of my windows this past Wednesday. It took most of the day. A day where I started out to do other things, but the murky opacity of my windows on a beautiful spring day made me realize that the other things could wait. When it was done it felt good to see the bright sunlight and look out through clear windows on the blossoming world.
Seems like that might be a metaphor: sometimes you have to stop what you are doing and wash the windows in order to get clarity.
The past few weeks have been very busy, no time for window washing, or even looking out my dirty ones. My grandmother has been without a caregiver since the middle of March. It has been a real challenge to get her to doctor appointments, to lunch every day, and get the dogs walked, and to try and find caregivers so I don’t have to keep doing everything myself. During the past week things finally started to come together. Good thing since I felt a bit like I was coming apart.
One point of clarity for me during this period has been that I don’t have the balance between taking care of others and taking care of myself figured out. I do the things I need to do for Grandma, plus some extra, but neglect taking care of my own home. I wound up cleaning my bathroom with a toothbrush in my mouth the other night because it needed it so badly.
Another, not unrelated, point of clarity is that I really want to be a granddaughter, not a caregiver. I want to have the time and energy to go on outings:
and plan special celebrations:
Grandma turned 93 in March and her health is okay, but she has become noticeably weaker since the beginning of the year.
No answers yet but recognizing the issue clearly may help me work the problem.